Just spent some time on Mom's piano finding the right melody for a song I wrote some time ago. I've had the lyrics and basic melody for two years now, but for the first time I can hear it coming to life with Mom's keys flowing ever so softly. It almost feels as if she's playing a part in me discovering who I really am today. So many pieces of the puzzle are coming back together....pieces of that shattered life I once knew. Today I stand a very different woman, someone who has had to find her way. Someone who has learned to rely on Faith alone, and to wait ever so patiently for God to speak. Someone who has learned to love with a brand new heart, learned how to forgive with a loving heart and understand with a compassionate heart. Someone who lost all and is now finding anew. Someone who is starting with nothing, but who has everything to gain.
For so long I've rejected God's vision for me simply because I did not believe I was a capable of achieving it. Through it all He has shown me that I am more than capable, and that I must first love and believe in myself before others can believe in me. I've been afraid, for 35 years I have portrayed what others expected to see of me. I tried to live a life that would leave many proud to say "that's my girl....". Though I was successful on many levels, I failed in the most important area. I did not life for who GOD intended me to be. Rather than seeking His approval, I sought approval from those around me. Through it all He has shown me that I should respect and love who I am, and who He intended me to be.......
Someone once recently posted that you will never know unless you ask......I am in search of someone (or people) willing to work with me on my musical testimony. I would love someone to help me put this to music and find the right bridge and ending to complete this song. If at all possible, I would love to be able to record this once the song is complete on either a CD or an MP3 format. I would like to eventually have a complete album of the beginning of my testimony. I have ventured through many different music crowds trying to find the right fit for my need, and so far I have come up empty. Though I can sing rock, even a few Beatles tunes.......my heart remains with Gospel music. I believe the most impact can be had if this album is created based on my Faith, and since no matter what I sing I tend to give off a Southern Gospel sound.....I believe I am meant to work on this within a Christian environment. If there are any musicians willing on partnering with me, give me a shout. I figured I would ask now so that by the time I'm ready to be able to REALLY work on it God will line up the right person for me.
When weakness comes my way,
can't face another day.
I walk this broken road,
with nothing to say.
My Mama said to me,
be who you wanna be.
Let your Soul shine endlessly,
then she fades away.
I've learned to live, protecting who I am.
I've learned to hide, who I am inside.
I'm afraid, they won't love.....
who I am today.
When darkness comes my way,
no one can hear me pray.
I walk this broken road,
with nothing to say.
My Daddy said to me,
be who you wanna be.
Live your life faithfully,
then he fades away.
I've learned to live, protecting who I am.
I've learned to hide, who I am inside.
I'm afraid, they won't love.....
who I am today.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
Days like Today
7:33 pm and I'm finally able to sit for a minute and catch my breath. I've survived off of a Nutra Grain bar, a Mello Yello and a large (decaf) sweet tea....since getting home I took my heart meds (3 hours late), drank another Mello Yello (I know, it's not healthy....but people, this is my coffee....can't go on without it), threw on a load of laundry, chatted with my sister for a minute (a very brief minute), said a passing hi to my dad and am now blogging before I relax and settle down for the evening.
Today was a rough one. The day started out with disappointment over not being able to wake up to a winter wonderland. This time last night we Chattanoogans were bracing for our first winter storm in a VERY LONG time.....a blizzard, no doubt! The possibility of having a day at home while enjoying old man winter had us all running to our windows hoping to catch a glimpse of the joys that awaited us! In Chattanooga (probably Chattanooga ONLY) anything close to 1 inch of snow would be devastating enough that our city would shut down for the day. Schools closed, business closed, day cares closed.......we essentially bunker down even well after the snow melts off (which usually lasts 2-4 hours before it all thaws). No, last night we were in for a BLIZZARD. That meant we would have a projected 1 inch of snow and it would remain on the ground for close to 60 hours before thawing out. Without a doubt we have the temp to warrant the snow and ice, but unfortunately we lack the moisture. Timing was off so majority of us experienced rain. So alas, I woke to green lawns and frozen car doors. It's even colder this evening, and we are expected to go even lower tomorrow (reaching record breaking lows and negative windchills). Yes, Chattanooga, Old Man Winter is knocking on our doors, just not the way we'd hoped.
Today was a rough one. The day was delayed due to frozen car doors and a very cold engine that took a while to come to life. My morning appointment cancelled so I went to what would have been my second house for the day. I was able to work alongside a couple of good ol' country boy painters who were putting the finishing touches of paint on the walls. I was there to clean so that it would be ready for the family to move in soon. Took me much longer than I'd anticipated. If I'm being honest I wasn't prepared for the condition of the home or well equipped with the right cleaners to get everything done (the cleaners I brought weren't strong enough for some things). Add those two things with the fact that I am a VERY detailed person, and more likely than not I spent too much time on things or did more than expected (I am a habitual offender of both). Add all that to a physically slower moving Jen (heart is working a little hard right now) you've got the makings of a slower and drawn out work day. The kind that by the time I get home all I want is a hot shower to ease these tense (and aching) muscles and wash the "dirty" feeling away.
Today by all accounts should have been more efficient (and effective) than it really was. I fully acknowledge that and recognize areas in need of improvement. I should be feeling discouraged and worn out, but really I have a more positive feeling about today. A family gets to move into their new home this week.....not just a new home, but a CLEAN home. One they can come in night one and take baths, cook a meal, walk barefoot across the floors.........I tried to give them the smoothest of transitions where the job we did for them is concerned. I also got to work alongside two good ol' country men from the Cleveland area who were putting the finishing touches on the newly (and completely) painted home. Today we worked together for the same reason, and I think it's awesome to be given the opportunity to team together with others we would not normally meet. These guys also took away one of our business cards, mentioning their wives may like to have their houses cleaned so there is the added bonus of being able to spread the Good Life name a little further.
On a personal level I was able to earn another penny for our family and get a good physical workout at the same time (one that is safe for my heart). I got a single "I love you" text from my husband (aka Dannyboy) which brought a smile to my face, and Hunter got his new phone case. All in all I think today fulfilled my physical, emotional and spiritual needs. How can I not call that a success?
I am off for the evening now, friends (officially). Time for a shower, a homemade quesadilla (with sour cream and salsa...yum!), finish my laundry and watch a little Juan Pablo before going to bed. Looking forward to Dannyboy getting home....I've missed him today.
Here's to steppin', friends.
Today was a rough one. The day started out with disappointment over not being able to wake up to a winter wonderland. This time last night we Chattanoogans were bracing for our first winter storm in a VERY LONG time.....a blizzard, no doubt! The possibility of having a day at home while enjoying old man winter had us all running to our windows hoping to catch a glimpse of the joys that awaited us! In Chattanooga (probably Chattanooga ONLY) anything close to 1 inch of snow would be devastating enough that our city would shut down for the day. Schools closed, business closed, day cares closed.......we essentially bunker down even well after the snow melts off (which usually lasts 2-4 hours before it all thaws). No, last night we were in for a BLIZZARD. That meant we would have a projected 1 inch of snow and it would remain on the ground for close to 60 hours before thawing out. Without a doubt we have the temp to warrant the snow and ice, but unfortunately we lack the moisture. Timing was off so majority of us experienced rain. So alas, I woke to green lawns and frozen car doors. It's even colder this evening, and we are expected to go even lower tomorrow (reaching record breaking lows and negative windchills). Yes, Chattanooga, Old Man Winter is knocking on our doors, just not the way we'd hoped.
Today was a rough one. The day was delayed due to frozen car doors and a very cold engine that took a while to come to life. My morning appointment cancelled so I went to what would have been my second house for the day. I was able to work alongside a couple of good ol' country boy painters who were putting the finishing touches of paint on the walls. I was there to clean so that it would be ready for the family to move in soon. Took me much longer than I'd anticipated. If I'm being honest I wasn't prepared for the condition of the home or well equipped with the right cleaners to get everything done (the cleaners I brought weren't strong enough for some things). Add those two things with the fact that I am a VERY detailed person, and more likely than not I spent too much time on things or did more than expected (I am a habitual offender of both). Add all that to a physically slower moving Jen (heart is working a little hard right now) you've got the makings of a slower and drawn out work day. The kind that by the time I get home all I want is a hot shower to ease these tense (and aching) muscles and wash the "dirty" feeling away.
Today by all accounts should have been more efficient (and effective) than it really was. I fully acknowledge that and recognize areas in need of improvement. I should be feeling discouraged and worn out, but really I have a more positive feeling about today. A family gets to move into their new home this week.....not just a new home, but a CLEAN home. One they can come in night one and take baths, cook a meal, walk barefoot across the floors.........I tried to give them the smoothest of transitions where the job we did for them is concerned. I also got to work alongside two good ol' country men from the Cleveland area who were putting the finishing touches on the newly (and completely) painted home. Today we worked together for the same reason, and I think it's awesome to be given the opportunity to team together with others we would not normally meet. These guys also took away one of our business cards, mentioning their wives may like to have their houses cleaned so there is the added bonus of being able to spread the Good Life name a little further.
On a personal level I was able to earn another penny for our family and get a good physical workout at the same time (one that is safe for my heart). I got a single "I love you" text from my husband (aka Dannyboy) which brought a smile to my face, and Hunter got his new phone case. All in all I think today fulfilled my physical, emotional and spiritual needs. How can I not call that a success?
I am off for the evening now, friends (officially). Time for a shower, a homemade quesadilla (with sour cream and salsa...yum!), finish my laundry and watch a little Juan Pablo before going to bed. Looking forward to Dannyboy getting home....I've missed him today.
Here's to steppin', friends.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Helloooooo 2014
Last year saying goodbye to 2012 seemed MUCH different from what I'm experiencing this year as I bid a fond farewell to 2013. My New Years post last year consisted of "2012 can kiss my ASS. Hellooooooo 2013!". This year I'm finding I'm not quite as resentful or so quick to be rid of the year. In 2012 alone I experienced quite a bit of loss, from my brother, to my grandmother, my job, my home, even my life on two occasions.......miraculously I've been able to recover from just about every loss. Of course my heart will always break when I think of my precious brother, whose young life was taken much too soon after a very quick yet devastating battle with Cancer. My heart will always fail, but 2013 has brought healing and strengthening to the weak muscle sitting center in my chest. My heart will always long for a home......though 2013 did not give me a permanent home, I do find myself well on my way to finding that special place. Shortly after 2013 began I gained employment by a little company known as Good Life Services, and through Good Life I have begun my journey towards realizing my dreams come true.
As I bid farewell to 2013 I do so with a grateful heart. Has it all been fun and games? Absolutely NOT. Was it easy to keep the forward momentum throughout 2013? Hell to the NO......but somehow I managed to keep stepping ahead. Those steps have brought me to a much improved state of life, and for that I will be forever grateful.
I could be like most and make promises and resolutions about things such as my weight, my financial status, my relationship status, promising to be a better person, yadda yadda yadda. To me those things don't matter all that much when I look at the bigger picture. What I look forward to the most in 2014 is seeing just how many steps I can take towards my dreams. 2013 was just the beginning, and I believe with a WHOLE heart that the things I've dreamed of for so long can actually come to fruition. It won't come naturally or easily, it will require an unbelievable amount of work and sacrifice. Do I expect ALL of my dreams to come true in 2014? Absolutely not, but I do believe I will be closer than I am at this point by the end of the year, and any kind of improvement can be considered a victory. In 2014 I hope to be able to stand by the sides of many that I love and watch their dreams come true. Just as I believe in my own dream, I believe they too are able to accomplish anything they set their HEART to. As Strawberry Shortcake would say "Any dream can come true, first you just gotta believe". Amen, sister. May we all begin to believe, not just in our own dreams but in the goodness of others. May we all be able to hold our heads high and with confidence as we venture out into the world. May we ll forgive and love one another no matter how great the pain of the past may be. May we all keep Hope alive that a better day is coming. May we all look for the positive in every situation, especially the most painful of situations. May we all simply love and respect one another......there's something to be said about the state of our world today. There is a SEVERE lack of humanity amongst us. It only takes one entity to spark the flames of Humanity........may we all be that spark and set this world on fire. There is nothing more powerful than love.....call me a modern day hippie but I am a true "make love, not war" and "peace, love and kindness" kinda gal.
Goodbye 2013, you've been very good to me........and HELLOOOOO 2014, I'm so glad to see you, my friend;)
Much love.
As I bid farewell to 2013 I do so with a grateful heart. Has it all been fun and games? Absolutely NOT. Was it easy to keep the forward momentum throughout 2013? Hell to the NO......but somehow I managed to keep stepping ahead. Those steps have brought me to a much improved state of life, and for that I will be forever grateful.
I could be like most and make promises and resolutions about things such as my weight, my financial status, my relationship status, promising to be a better person, yadda yadda yadda. To me those things don't matter all that much when I look at the bigger picture. What I look forward to the most in 2014 is seeing just how many steps I can take towards my dreams. 2013 was just the beginning, and I believe with a WHOLE heart that the things I've dreamed of for so long can actually come to fruition. It won't come naturally or easily, it will require an unbelievable amount of work and sacrifice. Do I expect ALL of my dreams to come true in 2014? Absolutely not, but I do believe I will be closer than I am at this point by the end of the year, and any kind of improvement can be considered a victory. In 2014 I hope to be able to stand by the sides of many that I love and watch their dreams come true. Just as I believe in my own dream, I believe they too are able to accomplish anything they set their HEART to. As Strawberry Shortcake would say "Any dream can come true, first you just gotta believe". Amen, sister. May we all begin to believe, not just in our own dreams but in the goodness of others. May we all be able to hold our heads high and with confidence as we venture out into the world. May we ll forgive and love one another no matter how great the pain of the past may be. May we all keep Hope alive that a better day is coming. May we all look for the positive in every situation, especially the most painful of situations. May we all simply love and respect one another......there's something to be said about the state of our world today. There is a SEVERE lack of humanity amongst us. It only takes one entity to spark the flames of Humanity........may we all be that spark and set this world on fire. There is nothing more powerful than love.....call me a modern day hippie but I am a true "make love, not war" and "peace, love and kindness" kinda gal.
Goodbye 2013, you've been very good to me........and HELLOOOOO 2014, I'm so glad to see you, my friend;)
Much love.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Reflections
For several years I've been on this journey....one that has found me transitioning from a life I was very familiar with to one that honestly I could never have imagined for myself. For so long my thoughts of what it meant to have a happy life was to have a picture perfect marriage, to have a nice house with really nice cars taking us to as many vacations, events and adventures as possible. Clothing has never really been that big of a deal to me, as long as I was covered it was all good with me. Jewelery.....the only piece I wore was a nice fat Karat Princess Cut diamond on my wedding finger. A good life meant a successful career, being actively involved in any and all church functions, looking and speaking as others would expect me to.....
A few years ago that world came crashing down on me. At the time I felt it was the most devastating thing I would ever face. The pain, the reality of that life falling apart, it almost took me out of this world altogether. Three years later I find myself a very different person, both inside and out. My dreams are the same as they were before.....I long for that loving and happy marriage, one that I can love and cherish my spouse just as much as they love and cherish me. I long for that successful career, for that home that is filled with love, life and happiness through every square inch. I long for a place where I can once again tell my life story through song, writing, singing.....any way possible. I long for the freedom to live as the person God truly meant for me to be, without fear of public opinion or ridicule.
Only difference between then and now is that these dreams and aspirations have taken a whole new turn. That marriage was not meant to be with that person I was with so many years ago. The career wasn't necessarily meant to be in the corporate world I had grown accustomed to. The idea of singing was not meant to be limited to the church crowd alone. The person God intended me to be turned out to be completely different than anything I'd envisioned before.
Tonight I'm thankful that God put this much time and energy prepping me for His work. I'm thankful that He has taken me past those boundaries of fear and uncertainty, and pushed me down a path of self discovery. No matter how painful my journey has been, I'm forever thankful that He chose to lead me as He has never led me before. Christmas Eve 2013 I find myself wondering what God has in store for this next era of my life.....I also find myself fully willing to be led, molded and made into EXACTLY who He wants me to be.
Much Love.
A few years ago that world came crashing down on me. At the time I felt it was the most devastating thing I would ever face. The pain, the reality of that life falling apart, it almost took me out of this world altogether. Three years later I find myself a very different person, both inside and out. My dreams are the same as they were before.....I long for that loving and happy marriage, one that I can love and cherish my spouse just as much as they love and cherish me. I long for that successful career, for that home that is filled with love, life and happiness through every square inch. I long for a place where I can once again tell my life story through song, writing, singing.....any way possible. I long for the freedom to live as the person God truly meant for me to be, without fear of public opinion or ridicule.
Only difference between then and now is that these dreams and aspirations have taken a whole new turn. That marriage was not meant to be with that person I was with so many years ago. The career wasn't necessarily meant to be in the corporate world I had grown accustomed to. The idea of singing was not meant to be limited to the church crowd alone. The person God intended me to be turned out to be completely different than anything I'd envisioned before.
Tonight I'm thankful that God put this much time and energy prepping me for His work. I'm thankful that He has taken me past those boundaries of fear and uncertainty, and pushed me down a path of self discovery. No matter how painful my journey has been, I'm forever thankful that He chose to lead me as He has never led me before. Christmas Eve 2013 I find myself wondering what God has in store for this next era of my life.....I also find myself fully willing to be led, molded and made into EXACTLY who He wants me to be.
Much Love.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Time to Confess
WOW.....FINALLY I take a step to start a blog site. It's been part of a dream (part of a VERY LARGE dream), but it seems as if Life has been way too busy for me to settle down and start talking. It hasn't helped that every time I begin to write I draw a complete blank, it almost feels as if there's just too much to say to fit into one post. I've always been one to use words (many, MANY words) to express myself, whether through written word, spoken word or song.....I will use whatever outlet I can to tell my story. For many years I've wanted to write a book about my life, but I've found it extremely hard to go back and begin writing about the past when there was so much going on in the present. And you can forget predicting the future because each time I think I have it all figured out, my life takes a turn in a very different direction.
Who is Jen, you may ask? I like to think of myself as a simple kind of gal, though many would say I'm an individual with many complex layers. I believe in the whole 60's revolution, from the music to the overall message of humanity (aka "Make love not war"). I believe that love is the answer to many of the issues in our society today. I believe in redemption and second chances, I believe in forgiveness and compassion to even our worst enemy. I believe in dreams come true and I believe in a little thing called Faith. I am a 35 year old mother of four (two are my step daughters). I am divorced and have recently been remarried to a man I was friends with in High School (odd how things can change over the course of 15 years). I am a "medically retired" former employee of a corporate insurance giant. I live with a heart disease that has attempted to take me from this world two times over the past year and a half, but by the grace of God alone I can boldly say I am a SURVIVOR.
There is no rhyme or reason to this blog other than to have an outlet to voice my own perceptions of life and share my pursuit of happiness. I am a dreamer, with all of my heart I believe that Dreams really can come true. For so long now I've not been confident enough in my ability to achieve that Dream and I've remained frozen in place by fears of failure, but there came a day where I had to say enough is enough, it's time to move forward. I call this blog "Confessions Of An Unruly Mind". I invite you to join in this journey with me. My hope is that these "confessions" will somehow inspire another. I have a saying...."It only takes one entity to spark the flames of Humanity"......I want to be one who starts the wildfire.
Here's to stepping, friends.
Who is Jen, you may ask? I like to think of myself as a simple kind of gal, though many would say I'm an individual with many complex layers. I believe in the whole 60's revolution, from the music to the overall message of humanity (aka "Make love not war"). I believe that love is the answer to many of the issues in our society today. I believe in redemption and second chances, I believe in forgiveness and compassion to even our worst enemy. I believe in dreams come true and I believe in a little thing called Faith. I am a 35 year old mother of four (two are my step daughters). I am divorced and have recently been remarried to a man I was friends with in High School (odd how things can change over the course of 15 years). I am a "medically retired" former employee of a corporate insurance giant. I live with a heart disease that has attempted to take me from this world two times over the past year and a half, but by the grace of God alone I can boldly say I am a SURVIVOR.
There is no rhyme or reason to this blog other than to have an outlet to voice my own perceptions of life and share my pursuit of happiness. I am a dreamer, with all of my heart I believe that Dreams really can come true. For so long now I've not been confident enough in my ability to achieve that Dream and I've remained frozen in place by fears of failure, but there came a day where I had to say enough is enough, it's time to move forward. I call this blog "Confessions Of An Unruly Mind". I invite you to join in this journey with me. My hope is that these "confessions" will somehow inspire another. I have a saying...."It only takes one entity to spark the flames of Humanity"......I want to be one who starts the wildfire.
Here's to stepping, friends.
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